Naruto crack :D
by BlOo KiSsEs
Summary: Dis ish sum Naruto crack! If yoo laik de stoopid stuffz, heer eet izh! I hope yoo havings de funz reeding de crack! SASUNARU is hinted, and sum othur couplez. dun laik yaoi, DUN DO DE REEDINGZ. DUH. have de funz. :D
1. CRACK

**This is my first Naruto fanfction. It's all crack. Just letting ya' know.**

**~Bloo**

Naruto and Sasuke were on the set of the show, reading over the scripts and practicing. Well, at least, Sasuke was.

"Yo, dobe. You're line next." Naruto scowled at the nickname Sasuke used all the time. "Yeah, whatever, teme." Naruto said as he threw down the script he didn't bother to read. He never read the scripts anyway. Naruto took a stance as he was about to attack Sasuke with his rasengan. "KAMEHAMEHA!" Naruto yelled as he charged at Sasuke. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, WAIT. What the hell? Wrong anime, dumbass!"

Naruto just stared. "Oh. Really? I kinda' was getting a 'Dragon Ball Z' vibe." Naruto said as he smiled sheepishly. "No dobe. Try again." Sasuke said, resisting the urge to facepalm. "Ok. Uh… what anime is this?" Sasuke did facepalm this time. "The anime is Naruto." Sasuke said slowly so Naruto could understand. "Naruto? Seriously? That show sucks balls. Just a bunch of colorful acrobats with sharp objects who know sign language and magic." Naruto commented as he walked towards a nearby chair. "What?! You're the main character! The show is named after you! I would kill to have a show named SASUKE." Sasuke said.

Naruto suddenly looked serious for the first time in months. "You think I asked to be named Naruto?! I always wanted to be Anthony Padilla! I want to be an awesome hot guy, not an ADHD blonde ninja!" Naruto said, turning red. Heh. I made a rhyme. Yay me. Anyway, back to the crack. (I did it again! :D) "Sasuke started to cry. "You think I wanted to be an emo duck butt avenger? I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE WHITNEY HUSTON! BUT IT'S TOO LATE NOW!" Sasuke said, practically bawling his eyes out. Naruto's eyes softened at that. "I'm so sorry Sasuke. I didn't know." And before either of them could understand what was happening, Naruto hugged Sasuke. "it'll be okay Sasuke. It'll be okay."

"Oh no. you aint gonna comfort me. I'm the seme. I comfort you." Sasuke responded. "Excuse me? I'm seme. I comfort YOU." Naruto retaliated.

"Nuh uh."

"uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"uh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"uh huh infinity!"

"Nuh uh infinity plus 1!"

"damn it." Naruto knew he was beaten.

And the story ends here cuz the author was busy and was hurrying to do… something.

DA ENDE.

**I'm sorry I made you read that. I don't even…..**


	2. BITCH FIGHT

**You asked for more, so…**

Naruto and Sasuke were walking around the village, just doing some shopping and junk. Then Itachi pops outa' nowhere."Sasuke! Little brother! I'm sorry I was such asshole all those years ago! Ya' know, killing our clan and all…"

Sasuke just walked right past him. "You're NOT forgiven, asshole."

"Did you just walk away from me, bitch?" Itachi was pissed. "Oh no. you did not just call me a bitch! It's on now. Here Naruto. Hold my earrings. This is gonna get ugly." Sasuke said as he took off his clip-ons. Sasuke pounced onto Itachi, pulling his hair, and scratching his face with his newly manicured nails.

"Who's the bitch now?!" Sasuke screamed. Itachi retaliated by tearing the strap of Sasuke's new Gucci purse. "Still you, little brother!" soon, a crowd formed. Kakashi was in that certain crowd. "Ooh! Bitch fight!" Kakashi cheered, betting on Itachi.

Naruto was trying (and failing) to stop the fight. "I know who can break this up!" Naruto said, actually using his brain for once. But that said person was actually in the crowd, betting on Sasuke. Oh, Tsunade… so Naruto decided to go for the second best (or worst) thing; Sakura. So he ran to her house and rang the doorbell until she let him in.

"Hey Sakura. Sasuke said he thinks you are somewhat pretty." Naruto lied to the pink haired girl. "Really!? Omg! SASUKE-KUUUUUN~" she squealed as she ran towards him. "Sasuke's Sakura senses were tingling. "Okay, bro. Crazy girl is coming. I'd love to beat your ass in front of all these people, but I'd rather escape her. Truce for now?" Sasuke said in one breath. "Yeah, truce, I guess." And the Uchihas bolted out of there faster than you can say CRACK FIC. And all that was left was a bored crowd, a pissed fangirl, and a hungry Naruto. And Itachi was never seen again… until the next time he was seen again.

END

**well….. yeah.**

**Bloo~**


	3. GOOGLE IT

**'nother chapter for you lovely readers!**

**Bloo~**

Naruto and Sasuke were playing around on the internet, when Naruto had an idea. A most BRILLIANT, WONDERFUL idea. "Hey! I'm gonna Google my name!" Naruto exclaimed right in Sasuke's ear. "AAAH! My ears! They're ringing! The ringing!" Sasuke said like the lunatic he is. Naruto just stared at him."Oh. Sorry. Look at all these cool pictures of me on Google images! I look freaking badass!" Naruto said. Then Sasuke forgot about his bleeding ears and look at the screen in fascination. "Haha. You're on a stripper pole in that picture." Of course Sasuke would point THAT out. "Lemme do my name next!' He said as he shoved Naruto out of the way and right into their pet cactus named Laurane. "Ouch! Laurane! That hurt." Naruto whined. "WHY ARE THERE PONIES ON THE COMPUTER?" Sasuke pointed at the screen where a bunch of 'My Little Ponies' were. "That's cuz you Googled my little pony, ya idiot." Said a random voice.

**Sasuke and Naruto turned around to see… GAARA OF THE FUNK**. "what? Gaara of the funk?" **Yeah…** "I am not Gaara of thee funk. I am Gaara Su-" **yeah, yeah. Well, I'm the author. The writer. The CREATORT OF THE WORLD YOU ARE NOW IN. so you gotta do what I say or I'll sit on ya. XP kthxbai. **"Wait-what? You crazy bi-

**And datz da end of da storee. Bai bai peepullz.**

"Oh, no it's not. We are not done talking you motha-"

**The End.**

"I want some ramen."

"Shut up dobe."

**And then Deidara ate them all. THE END.**

"…wait, I did what?"

**Lol. This is so stupid. I had a freakin' seizure from the idiocy.**

**Bloo~**


	4. HE IS STRAIGHT

**Here is more of this crap that you people like so much!**

**~Bloo**

"Saaaaaaaasuke!" Naruto yelled out. He had a really important question for the raven, and he was getting impatient and antsy. He was jumping and wiggling all over the place. He almost got lost _twice_ in the mansion that duckbutt calls a home. Yeah, he called Sasuke a duckbutt. It was a cute nickname. He was gonna call him chickenbutt, but it didn't stick, really. "Sasuke! I has a question!"

"What do you want now, dobe." Sasuke asked irritably. He was playing online checkers with his brother and he was losing. He would've declined and offered to play chess, but he sucks at that too. "Sasuke! There you are. I have a really, really, _reeeeaaallyy_ important question!" Sasuke turned around and stared. "Quit jumping around so much, do you have to pee or something?" he asked, quite irritably. "Yeah, a little." Naruto replied as he hopped on over to the bathroom to take a waz.

After Naruto was done washing his hands for about 30 minutes, he finally got the chance to ask Sasuke his question.

"Sasuke, do you think that Sai _might_ be… gay?" Naruto knew this was a stupid question. He knew the teme would say- "No. why would you think that? He's straighter than a ruler." Well _THAT_ was a surprise. "What do ya' mean? He has to be gay. He shows off his stomach with gay shirts, he wears skinny jeans way too skinny for him, he acts like it COMPLETELY- have you noticed that he mentions my dick in almost every conversation we have?"

Sasuke wasn't convinced."Naruto, stop being stupid." And with that statement, he went back to getting his ass kicked in chess.

Naruto just passed this conversation off as one of Sasuke's crazy moments. "You agree with me, right Laurane?" he asked his pet cactus. She was quiet."What's that supposed to mean?!" why am I the only one noticing him being gay?"

That little outburst made Laurane fall right on top of him. "Ouch! Okay! Okay! I'm sorry Laurane! Jeez…"

After Naruto escaped his cactus, he decided to call the current gossip queen oh Konoha… Sakur-naw, just kidding. It's Ino.

"Naruto? How'd you get my number?" Ino asked into her purple bedazzled phone.

"Oh. Uh… connections."Naruto answered suspiciously.

"okaaaaay. What do you need?"

"I have and important question. Is Sai Gay?"

"What? No! Why would you think that? He was literally voted straightest guy in Konoha! He's also my **boyfriend**."

"Whaaaaaat?!" I thought you were with Shika-"

"I was, but he _'had to dump me for Neji 'cause yaoi fangirls forced him to'_, or whatever."

"That's harsh. So I guess I was all wrong about Sai huh?"

"Yup."

"Wait, then why does he always talk about my junk then?!"

"Naruto, everyone talks about your junk, okay? Whether they are complimenting it to hating it or to bring up regular small talk, EVERYONE talks about your dick."

"oh… since… since when?"

"Ever since Sasuke bragged about it."

"Wait, wha-"

"I gotta go Naruto. Sai and I are having _MAKEOVERS_!"

"Oh cool!~ Can I join?"

"Maybe later. It's a boyfriend and girlfriend kind of thing."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye-Bye!"

_And that was the story of how Naruto actually admitted that he was wrong._

_Bye Bye._

**Its just… I, uhm…. I love Sai. :)**


	5. KAKASHI BUGS IRUKA

**_I'm BACK! Sorry I was gone for so long. School and such were keeping me busy. That kind of stuff. Well… I hope you like this one. I didn't even try this time. It just wrote itself… yeah…_**

**_DISCLAIMUR: I no ownz. I has de badz grammar, remember? Narutu belongz to Narutu creator, Kishimoto. So, yeah. Read nao plz._**

**_~BlOo_**

Kakashi was hopping from house to house _like a ninja. _'Cause that is what he is. A _ninja._ He was hoping around tryin' to avoid fangirls screaming their heads off. Tryin' to make him marry their OCs and such. He felt like messin' with people today. He saw Sasuke and Naruto were bickering below. All he heard was, "Bastard! Why are you bragging about my butt?!" Kakashi decided that he didn't want to interrupt their little… talk.

Then, below, he saw his favorite target- I mean, teacher. IRUKA! Yay. '_How will I torture the poor guy today?'_ Kakashi thought. Then he had a brilliant, GLORIOUS idea. He shall follow Iruka around and start spreading embarrassing rumors! Kakashi loves spreading rumors. He's the reason why so many people this Sai is actually straight. Yes, he's THAT good.

Iruka was minding his own damn business =s and was bein' all nice and stuff. Then, something surprising happened! Kakashi tackled him. Yep. He TACKLED HIM to the ground.

"Hello Iruka~"

Insert exasperated and annoyed sigh here. "Oh my sweet god- hi Kakashi."

Kakashi smiled, though you can't really tell because of his damn mask. But it makes him look like a _ninja_. "Hey sexy. I was thinking that maybe we could go see a movie or something."

Iruka's heart stopped. I think he died. Seriously. No, wait, he's alive. "Are you fucking serious?"

"Hell no. just wanted to see you r reaction." Kakashi is such a troll.

"Oh… well, can you get off me please? People are starring." Kakashi smiled at this. Messing with innocent people is fun. "Sure Iruka-chan~"

"Oh sweet lord. Kakashi sensei. Don't call me that again or I swear I'll poison you in your sleep." Iruka means business. He is pissed. Kakashi knows when to stop. "But what's wrong with it, Iru-chan?" but he chooses not to. Idiot jackass.

Iruka snapped. He threw Kakashi off of him and kicked him straight in the jaw. He would have kicked somewhere else, but that would be a little too much.

Kakashi was out cold. Well, he deserved it. Iruka continued his day in a bitchy mood and Kakashi lied unconscious on the ground for most of the day. And Sasuke continued bragging about Naruto's ass.

**OMG. Sorry. I had to.**


	6. FIG NEWTONS

_**OMG NEW CHAPTER? WOW!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own, okay? OKAY?! *gross sobbing***_

_**~Bloo~**_

"SASUKE, I SWEAR, I WILL KILL YOU." Naruto said, so serious that Sasuke almost pissed his pants.

"Woah, no need to speak in caps. What did I do?" Sausage said, hiding behind a conveniently placed couch. Naruto stalked closer, looking ready to kill a mofo.

"You ate the last FIG NEWTON!" he yelled, throwing the empty box at Sasuke's head. Sasuke looked at Naruto, seeing him red with anger. At least, he assumed it was anger. Is sure wasn't embarrassment or arousal, so… yeah.

Before Sasuke could finish his thought, Naruto lunged at him, attacking his face first.

"Get off! Don't hurt my beautiful face!" Sasuke yelled, trying to fight the hungry savage off. While all this was going on, Sakura and Ino were walking by, doing who knows what. They saw the two fighting each other and decided to promptly walk away like the smart girls they are.

Then Kakashi came.

(Oh god no.)

"What the juice are you two doing?" he asked, easily separating the two. Naruto was foaming from the mouth, claws and fangs bared. Sasuke looked like he was mauled by a ravenous Chihuahua.

"He ate all the Fig Newtons!" Naruto said, pointing an accusing finger at the pretty boy.

"Not all of them! Just the last two! You ate all of the rest!" he yelled back, flinching when a scowl was aimed at him. "Why do you even care?"

"Well, when a pregnant person has cravings, they need to eat what they want." The blonde replied, crossing his arms. Kakashi then intervened.

"Woah, woah, wait a minute. Naruto's pregnant? How the hell did that happen? Nuh uh, we ain't doing that mpreg shit." He said, and the author frowned. She snapped her fingers and Naruto was non pregnated. (Not an abortion, abortions are bad)

"Okay, I'm not pregnant. But I want my _Fig Newtons_!" damn that little fucker was persistent.

"If I buy you more, will you shut up?"Sasuke asked, exasperated. Naruto nodded happily and dragged Sasuke to the nearest store. Kakashi just stood there until he turned around to see Gai in the distance.

"Hell no." and with that said, he bolted out of there.

And the author and Sai had a nice little tea party in the background.

The end :)

_**its short and it sucks, but i wll fix it! i promise!**_


	7. THAT MARY SUE BITCH

**_I hate this bitch._**

**_Bloo_**

She walked with a strut, causing cute animals to follow her irresistible path. Every man she passed stared at her perfect body, wishing that they could tap that. All the girls looked in envy and admiration. Her beautiful purplish-golden thigh long hair flowed in the breeze. Her perfect blue-green eyes sparkled under her perfectly long eyelashes. Her perfect pouty lips blew kisses at all the cute men, who fainted as soon as she looked at them. She wore a blue dress shirt, neon pink miniskirt, bright blue heels, and a purplish-gold Coogi purse, matching her beautiful hair. She was the star. she was the beautiful MARY SUE.

She strutted to an open field, where she saw Naruto and Sausage sparring. Kakashi, Gai, and Sakura were sitting in the corner of the field, getting beaten at Uno by Iruka. Lee was releasing all his pent up adhd energy by running laps around the field. She walked up to where Lee was taking a small break.

_"Hello, I'm Mary Sue."_ She said in a sultry, perfect tone. Lee's jaw hit the ground. She got bored with the speechless boy, walking away, not aware of the mental damage she had caused. She walked towards the uno champ and the losers. Well, she ignored Sakura.

Iruka didn't bother to look up, he was _in the zone_. But Kakashi made the mistake of looking Mary Sue in the eyes.

"OHMYGAWD you're hawt." he said, almost completely OOC. She flirtatiously pouted her lips and sat in the copy nin's lap the slutty whore she is.

"Why, thank you_ handsome_. I am Beauty Elegance Medigo Uchiha Uzumaki Hatake Bonshaquitalafondria Higgins III. But you can just call me _Mary Sue_~." It was sickening how perfect her voice was. Kakashi didn't mind her one bit.

"Well, hello Mary Sue." He said trying not to look at her big ass breasts. But he succumbed to their gravitational pull. "_Dayum_." Was all he could say.

"Mary sue?" Iruka finally looked up to see the awful whore putting Kakashi under her spell. "Kakashi! No! It's a trap!

"Too late~ I already made him my long lost family member~." She said triumphantly.

"Family? Damn it, I wanted to tap that." He pouted and pushed her off his lap. Iruka went straight into attack mode, throwing sharp ninja weapons at her. Being the perfect little fucker she is, she dodged every one of the objects.

"Uncle Iruka! Don't do this!" she cried, causing Iruka to attack her more.

"I am not your uncle, you sick, twisted bastard." He ran out of sharp things to throw, and she took the chance to attack him. _With her dreaded kisses. _Sadly, Iruka was unable to stand the kisses, and he passed out.

Sakura and Gai just sat there, panicking. They were scared shitless. While dobe and teme were still sparring, unaware of what is happening RIGHT BEHIND THEM.

**_TO BE CONTINUED, CAUSE I AM ANNOYING LIKE THAT._**


	8. HE IS A GARY STU

**_Its short, but it solves the problem._**

It was chaos. They lost so many lives so far, and the enemy barely even noticed.

The enemy was flirting with its captive, who was slowly falling under its spell.

"Iruka sensei! No! Don't fall for it!" Naruto said, currently located in one of the makeshift trenched he built.

Almost every ninja in the village came to defeat the Mary Sue, but many succumbed to her, dying soon after. The women exploded from their jealousy, and the men died of broken hearts.

"We're running out of fighters!" Sasuke yelled, noticing that only Shikamaru, Sakura, Ino, Kiba, and Neji were left. Kiba was still mourning the loss of Akamaru, who was turned into the Mary Sue's poodle._ A_ _poodle_.

"Damn it, I don't want to lose any more men. Do you see all the bodies on the battle field?" Naruto yelled back, pointing to the piles of dead people surrounding the oblivious, evil Mary Sue.

"We're screwed." Ino said, mourning with Kiba.

"No you're not." Said a voice. They all turned to see their future hero (spoiler!), Sai.

"Wait, Sai is our hero?" Sasuke asked the author, confused as fuck. But the author didn't reply.

"I have a secret. I am… a rogue Gary Stu!" she said. They all gasped, except for Sakura.

"What the hell is a Gary Stu?"

"It's a male Mary Sue, now how the hell are you a fucking Gary Stu?" Sasuke said. Smart ass.

"I hate Mary Sues/Gary Stus. They suck the life out of fucking everything. That's why I no longer consider myself one. But I know how to stop her." He pointed to Mary Sue while explaining. He dramatically stepped onto the battlefield, walking towards the thing.

All Ino was thinking was '_omg I'm dating a Gary Stu. Yes!'_

"Hey ugly! No one likes you! Go away before I send you a bunch of hate mail and I kill your poodle!" he yelled in her face. At first, nothing happened. Iruka was going to die any second if he didn't get away from the bitch.

Suddenly, she stood up and ran away, crying glittery tears of sadness. She also exploded. All that was left of her was her expensive jewelry and a pack of 5 gum.

Miraculously, everyone who died came back to life, and they all celebrated and lived happily ever after.

The end.

I think.

"can you just let us have a happy ending?" sausage whined.

NOPE!

_**I might not be able to update any of my stories for a while. I usually write at home and post at school, but school will be over soon, so….**_

_**Yeah, I'm sorry 'bout that.**_


End file.
